I was a little girl with a big crush! I had been in love with the same boy since I was 5- when I found him crying under the Missionary table at church. Growing up I was sure he would be the ONE. God must have made him for me. He was everything I ever wanted. I was just so sure.

I was one of those little girls who loved the idea of boys. [Secretly praying my daughters are not like this!]. I had this pink Precious Moments Bible that I carried to church with me. The back inside cover said I Love… and then a whole list of boys names crossed out and a new one added below. I was a pro MASH player! Boys made me giggle and I really wanted one to like me. Well… if I’m being perfectly honest I only ever really wanted one particular boy to like me.

Our families were friends. Our younger childhood years were spent apart, growing up in different parts of the country.  When his family lived far away, we would travel to visit with their family. But as the evolution of time and life situations happen, they moved closer and the families were reunited. I remember delivering a Christmas tree shortly after they moved into their new house 20 minutes away. I was an early teenager. And everything seemed so serendipitous to this idealistic little girl.

I sang. And he and his two brothers played the piano. His brothers were dear and precious people to me. I still regard them as special friends. Everyone in all of the families knew about my giant crush. I didn’t exactly keep it a secret.

The four of us played music together a lot. We made a great band. But there was something special about our music when it was just the two of us. There was an undeniable musical chemistry. That is one fact I can extract from my school girl crush. Sometimes musicians just have something that clicks.

To the naked eye, I was a short, fat, crazy teenage girl who had a giant crush on the tall, dark, handsome piano player who was totally out of her league. But when no one else was looking, when we’re alone rehearsing, or hanging out, or just sitting alone together he was precious, sweet, and tender. Around other people, he was distant, strong, and aloof. In retrospect, it was those moments alone that made me seem like a crazy person… because I was the only one who saw them. I was the only one who experienced the sweet, vulnerable moments. No one else saw it. They saw the aloof guy who showed no interest. [I even feel a little crazy posting this now… like I probably just read into things too much]!

I graduated from high school the year after him. We had little contact until one day in my Sophmore year of college I decided I was letting him go. I wrote a long letter… I honestly can’t even remember what it said… releasing him. So long… I’m over you.

And that was it. The end of my childhood crush.

Right. Because we all know that unrequited love just goes away like that. Well the love part was gone. Way gone. But the question marks still remained. I wanted to know if what I had experienced had been real. I wanted to be told that I wasn’t crazy.

I married. I had children and moved forward. WAY forward.

I looked for them when the internet became a thing that helped you find people. I tried to find him and his brothers. I wanted to say hello. Hey look I’m happy and I think we can be friends. And… I’d love to sit down at a piano with you again.

I was greeted with a stone wall. A friend request unaccepted. The internet silent treatment. What had I done? It all came rushing back. The crazy fat little girl who had fallen for someone who wanted nothing to do with her.

This solitary question would forever haunt me… and prevent me from closing the chapter. Was I crazy? Had I created something that wasn’t really there?

At least that was what I would think. Until I ended up helping one of his brothers with his wedding.

Wedding weekend arrived. Everything for the wedding was in order. I had nothing to worry about. That was my element. I was in a place where I felt totally confident in my skills and I was going to be fine. Remember I had moved forward. We’re talking 3 kids and 14 years later forward.

[Full disclosure: I had spent the week before trying to figure out what to say at the moment of our encounter. I wanted to find like 1 sentence that would clear the air. A coworker laughed with me and at me as we tried to figure it out. Our thoughts were something like. “Hey, we’re cool right?” Oh yeah! That would erase all the years of awkward – right?]

So it came. The day arrived for the wedding rehearsal. Our encounter was actually less exciting or nerve-wracking than I expected. At least for me. It was a “Hello! So nice to see you!” I was incredibly pulled together and calm. I pulled off a very successful rehearsal, exited with grace, and breathed out. Really big.

I’m sure he would tell you a totally different story about the encounter. He was nervous. So nervous I could feel his nervous energy from across the room. He could barely look at me and it wasn’t until the wedding day that he was able to look me in the eye. What in the world was he so nervous about? I was the crazy girl with the giant crush all those years ago. He was just the poor guy who was the victim of my childhood obsession.

AND THERE IT IS… THE WORLD’S LONGEST BLOG POST INTRODUCTION!

We never talked about “it”. The elephant in the room. Not the entire weekend. We had a brief moment to speak with just the two of us. I found him to be very genuine but nothing beyond small talk was mentioned. By all accounts I had made it through the weekend successfully. With my adult reputation intact. But now I regret not saying these things to him when I had the chance.

I care about you deeply- as a friend. We were always friends first. And I believe we could be friends now.

The times that we spent together, just the two of us, showed me that the world was receiving a great man in you. You should be very proud of who you’ve become.

I’m sorry I pressured you. I’m sorry you were put in a situation to have to break a heart when you didn’t want to.

Thank you for always being kind. Regardless of how you felt, you always made an effort to be kind to me.

Thank you for sharing your music with me. I cannot thank you enough for this. Because of you I am able to deliver music from the soul. I still hope to one day stand behind a piano with you.

I don’t regret the years I “loved” you. Because they taught me what devotion means.

 I don’t regret “loving” you when you didn’t love me back or when you were aloof. Those times taught me about unconditional love. They taught me that it’s possible to love someone even when you don’t like them.

I always wondered if I had been prettier, quieter, skinnier or more demure, if I would have been your type. Thank you for guiding me to the understanding that happiness in love comes when you’re loved just as you are.

Thank you for teaching me what NOT to accept in a relationship. Because of you I know what love should feel like and what it should not feel like.

Thank you for showing me that strong and aloof wasn’t your only quality. You taught me that men can be gentle and warm and vulnerable. Because of your gentleness, I knew I wanted a man who was gentle first and often.

Thank you for not wanting me. I would have waited forever if you wanted me to. I would have stayed in a relationship with you because I was a child and I would have thought I had finally received what I always wanted. I would have left the man who loved me deeply to be with someone who didn’t.

Thank you for being the one that got away. I’m so so glad you did!

Please be happy. Insanely, ridiculously happy. Play music. Don’t forget to live life while chasing your career goals.

Trust love when it comes to you. I hope some wonderful woman makes all of your inside’s feel silly. I hope you’ll find your madly in love, purely enamored, and sweetly seduced place in life so that you’ll understand the love you have given me.

Because you didn’t choose me back, I realized that my true love was waiting for me all along.

#sonottogether