We all remember this game. You either loved this game or like me, you HATED this game. The 3 legged race always leaves your ankle or legs hurting and again… if you’re like me, you probably still lost. But have you ever thought about what the three legged race taught us about love and life. Let’s talk about it.

TIE THE KNOT- THEN DOUBLE KNOT IT

Marriage is just like the three legged race. When selecting your future spouse you allow your emotions, desires, and dreams to become entangled with another’s. This happens long before the wedding day. You choose your spouse much earlier than the day you receive your wedding ring. So if your choice to love your partner has you entwining your lives, then it’s safe to assume that this is just like the band that ties you together in the three legged race. Right? Get the analogy?

Your wedding day is the day that you sign the contract of marriage. It’s not the band… it’s the double knot. You’ve already fallen in love. This step just merely secures your selection. Your vow secures your commitment to this person and the journey of life you’re about to embark on. It’s the extra tug on that tie that is supposed to promise unending love.

Just like when you play the game, you stand still and let someone tie you together. You do this willingly. And just like playing the game, you usually get a little bit of time to practice before the whistle is blown.

Practicing mirrors what we call the “honeymoon stage”. You’re walking slowly. Still trying to figure out who takes the first step most of the time. Trying to figure out where your arms and hands go. Where you fit and how to successfully maneuver this new life. You’re not racing with anyone. At first you feel incredibly unsure and wobbly. You move slowly and gently with each other in order not to trip or fall. You start getting the hang of this thing called marriage. You’re pretty sure you’re going to finish this race. Your confidence in your abilities as a couple grows and then you line up at the starting cones.

THE RACE

The race looks different for all marriages. Sometimes it’s a major move, a new job, the birth of a child, a house purchase, or any kind of major life change or set back. You just spent time slowly and gently growing confidence in your marriage and now it’s time to put it to the test. The air horn has blown and your marriage is being challenged.  It’s like Ready, Set, Go. And you start running.

Together, you start running like you have it all together. You go fast and hard, trying to finish this race. And just like the real life three legged race you inevitably start to struggle. One person begins falling behind the other. The leader is dragging their partner along. Or one partner falls and requires their spouse to stop and pick them up. You might make it so far and you start to get tired and worn.

This is exactly like marriage. Learning to operate inside of this binding is hard. Facing difficult life challenges is trying. You’re the leader who’s carrying the weight of the marriage and you start to feel resentful for all of the carrying and dragging you’re doing. Or what if you’re the person who’s struggling and falling behind and feeling dragged instead of supported?

What happens when one of the partners fall down completely? Do you risk not winning the race? Do you embarrass yourselves by stopping and admitting that you are failing? If you’ve fallen are you giving up or reaching for your spouse’s hand and help? If you’re still standing, are you stopping to be the helping hand that understands and provides the support needed to get back up? It’s a struggle. It’s hard! As that band is stretched and pushed it hurts. It rubs in all the wrong ways.

Sometimes that pain makes you want to give up.

But if you remember, once that pair of wobbly, clumsy teammates make it around the first cone and begin heading towards the end of the race, they start to figure out their groove. They begin to gain ground at a faster pace and struggle less. They start getting through obstacles much more easily. They are listening to each other and working together. And it works… they’re winning!

UNTIL THEY AREN’T…

You know there’s other people out there trying to win the race too. Maybe they’re moving faster or more smoothly than you. Maybe they’re sprinting while you’re still hobbling. Maybe your marriage starts and stops for readjustment. Maybe one of you is tired. Maybe you resent the leader who keeps yelling demands on where to step. Maybe the leader wants to stop being responsible for the race’s success.

The thing about dragging, lifting up, and leading is that all of these are perfectly useful and needed in a marriage. When one partner falls, the very first person they should rely on should be the support of their partner. When the leader is exhausted, the first thing they should do is relinquish their leadership to their spouse by communicating this need.

By allowing this vulnerability to exist inside of your marriage you create a need for encouragement, reliability, and support. By allowing yourself to stay committed to the tie that binds you, you actually give your marriage the nourishment it needs to survive. A husband needs to be appreciated. A wife needs to know her husband is safe. Both spouses equally need the others support. It only works when you move as one.

So what happens when we allow this tie to be loosened. When we fall down and decide that the pain of the race is too much? What happens when the partners start heading for different finish lines? Just like most knots the more you push the looser it becomes. Loose enough that you can slide it off and begin going your own way. You’re trying to beat the other and prove that you can win without their help. But like knots in real life, you may have been able to wiggle free but you haven’t untied the knot. You’ve only gnarled it, distorted it, and hardened it.

You’ve gotten off track. Your eyes have wandered from the prize. You’ve forgotten that you gave up the right to your leg the moment you tied that bond. You made a choice to double knot that tie. You choose to honor that knot every single moment of every single day.

So when you’re struggling to get back to the early stages where you felt like you could face all of the challenges of marriage, look down and check your knot!

Ask yourself:

Are we working together to stay in the race?

Does my partner need to be picked up and supported?

Do I need to communicate my needs and explain my exhaustion?

Who’s dragging who right now?

If you’re being dragged, do you need your partner to stop and let you fall long enough to get back up?

Is your knot becoming so loose you could easily slip it off?

Are we getting better at this marriage with each new step?

Are we becoming more and more in sync with each other?

That’s how you win at the three legged race of marriage. By never, ever giving up. By falling and supporting. By finding the place where your bodies, hearts, and minds move and flow in sync with the other. By never allowing too much slack in your bindings.

Marriage succeeds when the couple no longer acts as they have 4 legs but only 3. Marriage succeeds when you’re running the race together. Failing together. Loving together. Laughing together. Walking together. Anything else… requires 4 legs.

#sonottogether

What will you do today to check on your marriage? Are you running the race together?

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