Toddlers. Just the word is exhausting! 2 syllables is way too much when you just finished chasing a toddler.

This is Louli! She’s our baby and our last! She was actually a VERY unexpected surprise! But man has she added so much to this family. She is just relaxed into herself and so so silly. The perfect bonus baby! The thing is… when we had her our second child was already 6! We didn’t remember how to raise a baby. The only baby thing we had left in our house was 1 blanket saved from the older one. It was like starting from scratch… and guess what… you don’t get baby showers and oohs and aahs when you look like a train wreck already from raising your other kids and you’ve brought on yourself the torment of having another child…. IN YOUR MID 30’s none the less. But here she is! Then it happens, you remember how to do babies. It all comes crashing back to you in a tidal wave of “Oh crap, I remember now!” I remembered how much I HATE this stage. I’m not saying toddlers aren’t cute. They’re adorable (sometimes)! They do adorable things (sometimes)! They’re fun to love (sometimes)! Basically you never know what you’re going to get when it comes to raising toddlers. But here’s the main thing I learned,

Raising Toddlers Is As Simple As Keeping Them From Killing Themselves

If you can manage that you’re all set. However, if you’re like me you struggle with that very thing every day! I’m pretty sure I say these thing about 10 times a day – each:

“Don’t Bite That!” – It’s full of those glow chemicals that will turn you into a glow stick and kill you.

“Don’t Go In The Road”- It’s basically like Frogger. Chances are you’re going to get flattened.

“Stop Climbing On That”- You’re going to fall to your imminent death.

“Get Out Of the Garbage”- Seriously- you’re going to eat yesterday’s meatloaf and die! It wasn’t even that good yesterday!

“Watch Your Head”- Because we all know they never look when they stand up from crawling under the kitchen table after eating yesterdays meatloaf off the floor.

“Stop Running- Walking Feet Please”- Your little feet cannot go that fast and you are about to hit the pavement and crack your head open.

“Sit Down in The Cart”- Not only is the nasty lady who probably raised 15 perfect kids staring at me and judging my parenting because you’re standing in the cart but you’re going to fall out and whack yourself into an oncoming cart and die.

“Don’t Touch! It’s Hot”- A trip to the hospital for 3rd degree burns sounds like an awesome thing to to do this weekend!?! Or not!

“Don’t lay down in the bathtub” – You’re going to take in an ocean and drown (and die).

“Don’t Stick Your Finger In There”- Look electricity was already discovered. Let’s not discover it again, K?

“Poop Is Not For Eating”- Yep, I’ll just leave that one there.

“No You Can’t Eat 50 Cookies”- First of all I won’t be able to keep up with your wall bouncing. But secondly, you’ll be so sick I’m sure you’ll die.

“Get In This Car Seat Right Now”- What? An unrestrained toddler while you’re driving a vehicle sounds like a great plan! Again… or NOT!

“Hands Are Not For Hitting”- Cause if you toddler smack me in the face one more time I might kill you. Wait did I say that out loud? I’m kidding, no one needs to call CPS.

“Don’t Eat Lego’s”- First of all you’ll choke to death. And if that doesn’t do it, you’re brother will probably kill you for swallowing his lego.

“Stop Jumping On That”- Beds are like giant cliffs to a toddler. One slip and it’s like careening down the side of a mountain. Maybe by luck you’ll fall into one of the giant laundry piles. Maybe not.

“Stay With Me”- There’s crazy people everywhere! Someone will take you and then I’ll die. Can you imagine how many times I said this on our recent trip to Disney World. I was a mess.

“Be Careful”- I’m not even sure why we say this one! It won’t matter anyways! But I say it like 10 million times a day!

This list could go on for ages! I’m sure you have a few of your own “toddlermomisms”. Sometimes it’s so much I want to scream!

JUST STOP MOVING!

If she would stop moving I could keep her safe. I could be sure that she doesn’t make a disaster. I could keep her where I need her to be and maybe, just maybe, get some work done. Or probably not. I know it’s selfish. Toddlers need to discover the world around them. Chasing them as the parent though- is not fun. It makes me feel like a frazzled mess. Always waiting for the shoe to drop and the child to inevitably do something that’s going to kill them. I see visions of ER visits, buying stock in band-aid, kids covered in vomit, broken fingers and hearts and my mommy bear goes to buy the baby bubble wrap. So sometimes I just want to say to her; “Just stop moving! Just stay right here in this baby proofed living room so I can sit down and know you’re safe. OK? For Mommies sanity!” Then she looks at me and smiles that ornery toddler smile and tears off to the other room…. sigh… and we’re off!

#sonottogether

We know you got ’em! Share your “toddlermomisms”! What do you say to your toddler to keep them from killing themselves?

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