I flippin’ hate bedtime.

With a fiery passion!

It’s the end of the day. I’ve finally made it. The dinner has been devoured. The homework might be done. The van has stopped rolling. The children are done with whatever thing they had to do for the day. The bra is off and the home clothes are on.

I should like this part of the day! Right? I should be overwhelmed with joy that I’m about to have like 1 hour of silence before I fall over dead! Well that I am. But the process of getting them to bed… is like a 3 ring circus on crack. It’s like they save all of their horribleness from the entire day and let it out in that last half hour before I gain my freedom.

Now good parents [not me] would have clean and comfortable jammies ready to go. They would be halfway through a riveting book or have several books set aside for reading while cutely snuggling in bed. Good parents have nighttime routines where they do the same things in the same order with the supposedly same results each night. Leaving the end of the day peaceful and loving.

BAHAHABAHA… Oh I’m sorry. I lost myself there.

I’ve decided I’m going to start the bedtime process as soon as the door opens from the school bus drop off! It’ll go better that way!

So now I have you wondering. What kind of craziness is going on there? Well it usually goes something like this.

MOM SAYS: Alright it’s time for bed.

KIDS:

Oh I forgot I have a 20 page paper and paper mache project due tomorrow morning that I need to start right now at 8:00pm. Do you have one of those tri-fold presentation boards up your butt mom?

I can’t find my stuffed animal unicorn that I never play with and I haven’t touched in 3 months but I HAVE TO HAVE [in order to stop whining] RIGHT NOW!

Ewwww Mom the baby has poop. And she’s rubbing it on the carpet!

Mommy… I poop? Poop tinky? I eat it.

Mom where’s my fish oil and melatonin… [that I take every single stinkin’ night and it’s always in the same place?] Leaves fridge open for a full cup of milk that gets poured for 1 sip to take the pills. Fridge starts beeping incessantly but my arms are halfway covered in poop so I can’t shut it off.

Oh Mom… did you sign my permission slip and put $52.43 in my book bag for the school thingamajiggy that’s due tomorrow. If you don’t have $52.43 exactly I can’t go and I’ll be a social outcast and my teacher will be mad at me. It’s crumbled up in the bottom of my book bag… I thought you knew all about it. Because I especially look for the papers that are crumpled up in the bottom. Especially!

Mom…. I can’t find my toothbrush or the toothpaste. Or my nose on the front of my own face apparently.

Can we bring a cup upstairs for a drink of water? There’s already 32 cups up there because the dish fairy hates me but sure… will it fill your mouth with something that makes you quiet?

Mommy, where passy go? I not know? Dear sweet Jesus in heaven please tell me there’s a pacifier somewhere in this disaster? Please for all things bright and beautiful be on top of one of the piles of crap laying around my house and not shoved in a secret hidden cavern of loneliness… please!

Can you tuck me in?… Daddy… can you tuck me in? Daddy tuck me in. Daddy can you please tuck me in? Repeat ad nauseum until someone can actually get in there to tuck her in.

Bubs get in your bed! Why are you walking around naked? You don’t need the ipad to go to bed. Go put that downstairs. Did you actually take your fish oil and melatonin? Did you close the fridge? Go flush the toilet… don’t be gross. Why are you still naked?

I pee pee Daddy! Mommy I wet! Are you kidding me? I just put those on you when you pooped everywhere! They’re the last pair of clean jammies in this entire house… which sibling is giving up their t-shirt.

Can you pray with me? I already prayed with you. Can you pray with me again? UGH! Does God still answer prayers when I’d rather be doing anything else but saying one more bed time prayer? I mean, no offense God.

:Melting down crying toddler: Where my bear? I nee… BEAR!!! The stupid bear. I don’t know where it is… you’ve been dragging it around all day… you go find it! Can someone please, for all that is right in the world help me find the bear?

Then all of the tucked in children are now out of their beds looking for bear. I slunch over into my favorite chair and begin to weep… uncontrollably! And the process starts all over again.

I flippin hate bedtime!

#sonottogether

Is your bedtime routine like a three ring circus on crack too? Share it. I dare you!