Until recently I’ve always worked. Being a working mom meant that I had very little time to engage in the Mom Club. Of course there were times I couldn’t avoid it… the bus stop, after school events, extra-curricular activities, church groups, or even sitting in the play are of the mall. It happens… the mom clique.

Years ago I had a random day off. My mom friends were meeting at a park and sent out an invite. I had been working less hours at this point and thought I’d really like to connect with other moms. The group of us had planned to have lunch and play for a while. The park selected was about 45 minutes away from my house. Not a single one of us lived near this park. But it was in a lovely affluent neighborhood where the yuppie mommies hung out. The tree lined streets and old historical homes are just an arms reach from the downtown area. It’s a highly sought after neighborhood.

I specifically spent the morning dressing my kid in too cute for the park clothes. I did my makeup and packed the perfect looking bento style lunch. I even made sure to have a cute lunch tote to carry it in. I had makeup on and dressed in something mom cute. I remember what I was wearing and that it was too hot and uncomfortable for the park. But I thought it looked mom-cute appropriate so I just decided to be uncomfortable.

I arrived for the meet up and spent the day having conversations with these moms who were supposed to be my group of friends. One mom talked about the money her spouse would be making once he finished his doctorate, another mom talked about her own personal life and just how amazing everything had been, another talked about how she went back and forth to the same store 10 times to find the perfect matching outfits for Easter, etc.

If you know me in real life you probably know that I’m not afraid to talk. I’ll say pretty much anything. Usually I add a little sweetener, but I speak very truthfully. I also don’t always filter properly.

I’m not perfect and I’m not afraid to admit it.

But that day, I hardly spoke a word. If I did it was very PC and was always an agreement or yeah I get you. Or… I would totally do the same thing… kind of conversation. I left that day feeling weird. My kids cute clothes were ruined. I was incredibly hot and sticky in my mom-cute clothes. But most of all… I felt icky on the inside. These people were my friends. Or they were supposed to be. These other moms were supposed to get me. They were supposed to be a hot mess so not together person like I am. Being with them was supposed to be uplifting. I was supposed to leave feeling like I’d made a real connection. An honest, these people are my true friends, kind of connection.

Sadly, this story isn’t all that uncommon. As women we’re constantly gauging the environment around us. We’re testing the water to see if the woman staring back at us is judging herself or judging me. During conversation, we filter absolutely EVERYTHING we say to make us look like perfectly put together people. We talk about how we prefer to buy our food at the Farmers Market… organic and fresh. But we all know that we’re running through Walmart at the end of the day just grabbing what we can. We talk about how cute someone’s clothes are. But no one wants to admit they got it a thrift store. We brag about our husband’s salary… our new vehicle… our coach purse… or sunglasses that belong in an expensive box. We pull all of our best pieces out of the cabinet of life and put them on display while we’re with the other Mom’s

We deceive them. We lie by omission. We cover up all of our real.

Deception! That’s how to do it! That’s how to make it in the Mom Clique.

Now I shouldn’t say that this is the case all the time. I have met some groups of moms who really love each other and are really honest about their struggles. I find most women act one way in a group of other women but have one or two close friends who they share with. I do it myself. In fact, until recently, I shared everything real with my guy friend. Because that was easier than trying to build relationships with women.

Deception makes me feel icky inside. It’s inauthentic and a waste of time. I don’t want to talk about your sunglasses. Or your beef with the neighbors and how they manage their grass. So I find myself avoiding you. I don’t do PTA. I don’t like play dates. I don’t like the park moms. I don’t want to bother.

But when I do have to be in front of the mommy clique I do it. I pull myself together and pretend. That’s how we all make it. Right? But what if I didn’t do that?  It might look something like this.

To the lady on the school bus corner complaining about her husband who told her she should eat more apples I should have said… “Really? Your husband is being a jerk. You’re gorgeous just the way you are.” Except I said nothing.

To the mom who had to have that Coach diaper bag I should have said… “Is your life going to be ruined if you don’t get that $300 diaper bag? Is your kid going to have different smelling diapers because you have that bag? If $300 is too much money for your family right now, then you need to drop it and take the pressure off your poor husband.” Except I said nothing.

It’s not like anything I would have said would be rude or untrue. No one wants to be the person in the group that swings the hammer at the nail on the head. So we continue to shake our head in agreement, wear our uncomfortable mom outfit and do our best to never disagree.

But in the end, it’s not really all that healthy. It doesn’t breed true relationships. It doesn’t help you understand those moms better. It doesn’t build bridges of commonality. If you’re like me it leaves you walking away feeling empty.

So I’ve decided I’m going to stop deceiving. I’m going to live my life exactly the way I am. Regardless of how flawed and messy that may be. So maybe I’ll say something you don’t want to hear. Maybe I’ll disagree with you on that parenting mindset. Maybe I’ll call you out for being selfish or judgy. I don’t have to make it in the mom- clique. I don’t want to call those people my friends. I want real and honest friends who are willing to call me out when I’m being stupid. I want friends who will say… I’m struggling. Or money is tight. Or I just couldn’t get dressed up today. That’s the mom clique I want to be in. Wanna’ join?

#sonottogether