We all know them! You can spot them from a mile away… walking toward you at the play area in the mall!

She looks like this! So put together her diaper bag matches her cell phone case AND the jeweled pacifier. She not only looks amazing but she smells great and has makeup on. Her perfectly clean and fully dressed baby girl is adorable… and she apparently has magic powers- because the baby still has her bow on. She’s also probably a size zero… just to make you feel even better about yourself. In the meantime, you’re surveying the environment… trying to find the seat behind the play house where you can hide your cheez puff stained pants and the plastic grocery bag you grabbed on the way out the door to use as a diaper bag. You’re already exhausted, you can’t remember if you used deodorant this morning, and you’ve spent all of your available energy just getting to the mall. Then she sits down beside you and starts chatting. UGH! PLEASE SOMEONE PULL THE FIRE ALARM! Even better she starts talking about the Whole 30 diet she’s been on since giving birth, and the 15 lbs of organic food she made this morning after her 3 mile jog in her stilettos. She tells you about her 6 kids all in 3 extracurricular activities and how she just loves motherhood so much. Somehow, with every new word you feel smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller…. and you just really hope you actually USED that deodorant.

That is the life of a SO NOT TOGETHER mom. I have been there so many times! I get you! SO… I’m gonna admit it. I’m not afraid! I am SO NOT THAT Mom! Here’s 10 Reasons Why:

#10: I LOATHE Reading Time:

Guess why this picture is so bad? Because I was across the room in the chair on my cell phone. Also, guess how long this beautiful moment lasted??? About long enough for me to snap this picture. Shortly after I took this picture the baby is crawling over the top of my husband and on top of the book ripping the page. The middle child is yelling because the baby has ripped a page in her school’s library book. The 13 year old thinks this whole thing is hysterical so he’s laughing in the obnoxious- pay attention to me- way 13 year old boys do. My husband looks up with this look on his face like REALLY? And then we both bust out laughing. So yeah…. I avoid reading time like the plague.

#9: I Say It Like It Is:

Because we all know Moms don’t get to use the toilet alone, the other day the baby comes into the bathroom, reaches her finger into the little hole of the bathroom sink and starts yelling “Ow, Ow, Ow!” THAT Mom might have gotten up off the seat, reached over and pulled her child’s finger out, rinsed it off, and given it a kiss. But not this mom! I looked at her and said “Well don’t do that dummy!” She looked at me with a funny face, pulled her finger out, and walked away. I’m the kind of mom that will tell the kids, “People will think you’re weird if you put your hands in your pants in the grocery store.”

#8: What’s a Playdate?:

Listen, playdates might be fun for some people. I’m sure the kids have a blast! But having to sit in a group of Mommies that do this… Mommy #1: I only use grass fed beef. Mommy #2: Oh me too. But I also only prepare it with herbs from my personal garden. Mommy #3: If you were like me, you’d only be eating the grass fed cow you raised in your backyard eating herbs from your personal garden. I just want to be like “Beef Jerky, Anyone?!” I’d just rather deal with the loneliness if it means I can stay home in my yoga pants, eat right out of the cottage cheese container, and endure the wrath of the un-socialized toddler.

#7: Messes Are Not Cute:

So this happened! THAT Mom might have taken these pictures, posted them online about how cute toddler-isms are and look at this as a great opportunity to get that bathroom deep cleaned. Not me. I took the pictures… for your viewing pleasure. But cleaning it up was not a fun adventure in deep cleansing. It actually made me want to say not nice things to my todder. I used all my adulting power to resist… but none the less, the thoughts were there!

#6: I WANT to Work:

There’s something about waking up, putting on real people clothes, going to an office, completing a list of to-do’s, and crossing them off that makes me feel like a much more successful human. It also gives me the opportunity to be a part of the financial picture of my family. I get to have time away from the children and the home and it helps us financially. I also feel like a much more contributing member of society when I contribute my skill to the work place. It’s a place where I get to be me! It’s not for everyone but for me it’s the right choice!

#5: Chicken Nuggets ARE a Food Group:

Part of being a real life Mom is that the day sometimes gets away from us. For the most part, we try to feed our kids food that didn’t get delivered to our car from a window. But that’s not always the case! When one kid is at some school outing while the other is at his fifth soccer game of the weekend and then you’re running to the store because your kid just told you about the mega project he has due…. TOMORROW! And when that happens you sometimes have to buy food from a window. It’s just real life people.

#4: Pack Your Own Lunch:

It’s a rule in my house. You get up and pack your own lunch for school. It’s part of your morning. If you only pack a bag of cheese puffs then you only eat a bag of cheese puffs. Now don’t get me wrong… we teach them the essentials of what’s healthy and wise to pack and we provide them with what they need to pack a successful lunch. But this:

AIN’T HAPPENING! And little note cards? Yeh, probably not.

#3: I Will Not Be A Taxi:

THAT Mom has this idea that the more extra curricular activities she puts her kids in the more well rounded and educated they’ll be. They spend their evening schlepping one kid to one thing and the other to something else and then swinging back around to get them. You arrive at home late in the evening and you still have to try to cook dinner and do homework…. Homework alone is enough to kill me! I just want to scream STOP! JUST STOP! Slow down THAT Mom! First of all you’re making the rest of us look bad. Secondly, let’s spend time concentrating on the things your kids LOVES, wants to do, and has a passion for! When you do that, what you have is a child that gleams when you pick them up. You find relationships with other moms that actually get your kid and it starts to feel less like a chore and more like a joy.

#2: Just Stop It:

Kids throw fits. It’s just real life. When they don’t get what they think they want, when they want something even though they don’t know what it is, or just when the sun is too bright. I don’t hug and coddle. I mean if you’re dying I might. But if you’re just being ridiculous… I’m not going to stop everything I’m doing and pet you until you feel better. Nope! I’m gonna look at you and say Stop It! Pull yourself together and figure out what to do with yourself. Get a grip! When we coddle and pat over and over again we just make it way easier for the next time they don’t get what they want to throw and even royal-er fit. So yep. I just say STOP IT! And then later when it’s all over, that’s when I give the hug.

#1: Please! Grow Up Already!

I was just having this talk with a friend the other day. It’s not that I’m not enjoying the moments of childhood but man I would LOVE to not have to buy another box of diapers! I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to worry about the toddler tornado that takes over the house in the case I’m in one room too long. I LOVE them. I do. But I find myself waiting for the next stage. And I know they say you’ll regret it. Cherish these moments yadda yadda… But Please! Grow Up Already! At least to the part where you can feed and clothe yourself please!

#sonottogether

How are you So Not THAT Mom? It’s ok. We get you! And we don’t judge here!